Inside the turtle's shell

Test For Girls

saccharinescorpion:

alaingrpolanco:

So here is a little test for the ladies. Now I know a lot of you have that really nice best guy friend that likes you (trust me if he’s straight he likes you). I want you, just for once, to pick the nice guy. I will guaranty you that you’ll be happier with him then the other guys you usually date.

So here is a little test for you. Now I know you have an anus (trust me if you’re you you have an anus). I want you, just for once, to strip naked and lay on your stomach with your feet facing a wall. I want you to sort of crawl your legs up the wall so your ass is directly above above your head, and i want you to look up towards your ass.

I then want—pay attention, this is important— I then want you to focus every essence of your being into your asscheeks, and I want you to take the largest, grottiest shit of your life, right into your mouth. I want you to shut your eyes and shit as if your tiny scrap of life depended on how much shit you could force out. I want you to imagine you’re in a horrible porn parody of Saw and you’re only going to live to see the next day if you follow Tobin Bell’s nasty ass instructions and drown an entire oildrum filed with kittens with your shit, only the oildrum is your mouth and the kittens are your tongue, and your dignity

I will guaranty you that you’ll understand how it sounds to other people like when you say things like this

(via jinkerbell)